


Santa Steve vs A Farmhouse Chimney

by Ignisentis



Series: Paint My Spirit Gold [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Self-Indulgent Christmas Fluff, Steve Rogers' ridiculously wide shoulders, brief mentions of sex, but nothing graphic, curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9060001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ignisentis/pseuds/Ignisentis
Summary: Steve dresses up like Santa and tries to go down the chimney. It doesn't go as planned. Or, if you've ever seen how stupidly wide his shoulders are, it goes exactly how you'd expect it would.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Санта Стив против домашнего камина](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15360975) by [fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018/pseuds/fandom_Starbucks_Roles_TwoSexyMen_2018)



> This takes place in some nebulous time where all the Avengers are friends and they hang out together and everyone is happy and nothing hurts. Shh, just join me...

Steve takes a sip of mulled wine and slowly rocks the porch swing back and forth as he watches the snow dance its way toward the ground. When Clint had approached the team and extended the invitation to spend Christmas at the farm with his family, they'd all jumped at the chance. As soon as they had cleared it with Laura first, though. Showing up en masse unannounced once was plenty. 

 

Steve turns his head toward the sound of Clint’s footsteps on the knotted pine boards of the porch. Clint’s holding a giant red bag and grinning like a maniac. Steve smiles and gets up to meet him. 

 

“I'll trade you,” he says, reaching out for the bag as he hands his glass of wine to Clint.

 

Clint throws his head back and downs the rest of the wine in one long pull then sets the glass aside. “Are you sure about this? Last chance to back out.”

 

“Clint, I've fought Nazis, aliens, robots--”

 

“Oh, my.”

 

“Ha. Ha. Anyway, I think I can handle one farmhouse chimney.”

 

“You totally just jinxed yourself.”

 

“What? No, I didn't!”

 

“Did. Sorry, Steve, I don't make the jinx rules.”

 

“I'll be fine. What about your kids? You sure they aren't going to freak out or anything?”

 

“Are you kidding? They're going to love it. And even if they don't, the rest of us will. I'm pretty sure Tony’s set up like ten different cameras all around the room to capture your triumphant arrival from every angle.”

 

Steve snorts. “Only ten? He's slacking.”

 

“Yeah, well, Laura told him not to put any holes in her walls in no uncertain terms, so he had to improvise a little.”

 

“Ah. Good thinking, Laura.”

 

“All right, if you're sure, I'll go gather everyone around the tree to start opening presents, and you can get ready and do your thing. I'd wait at least ten minutes before starting.”

 

“Sounds good. Do you have a ladder or something for me to use?”

 

Clint narrows his eyes. “You seriously asking for a ladder to get to the roof? When we have a porch and a perfectly good climbing tree next to the house?”

 

“I am not at all surprised that you know multiple ways onto the roof. All right, get out of here. I'm gonna get dressed.”

 

Steve opens the bag as Clint goes back into the house, pulling out oversized black boots, a red suit and hat, a black belt, and a fake beard. He chuckles when he pulls out a small pillow to fill out his belly. He leaves the trinkets and candy canes in the bottom of the bag and closes it back up, slinging it over his shoulder as he shimmies up to the porch roof. It's a short jump from there up to the roof of the house.

 

The roof is steeper than he expected, and the falling snow makes it slippery, but he makes it to the peak unscathed. Steve turns his face to the sky, closes his eyes, and lets himself enjoy the silence. The falling snowflakes tickle as they melt in his eyelashes. 

 

He stands up after he thinks ten minutes have passed and contemplates the chimney. Now that he's faced with the prospect of actually trying to go down the thing, he's not quite sure how. Clint has clearly done some prep work for him: the flue is open, and when he peeks down into the chimney itself, it seems pretty clean. 

 

He decides the best way to get both himself and the bag of gifts down in one piece is to do a sort of modified paratrooper jump. Grabbing the bag with both hands, he hops up onto the chimney cap and lets the bag hang over the open chimney shaft. His plan is to jump down and brace the bag on either side with his feet. His arms facing downward and tucked into his body should keep his elbows from scraping along the interior of the chimney. 

 

“Jinx my ass, Barton. I've got this.”

 

Steve bends his knees and jumps down the chimney with a “HO, HO, HOOOOOLY SHIT!”

 

He makes it five and a half feet down the chimney before he abruptly stops.

 

“Huh,” he says and tries to wriggle himself free. It's no use: his shoulders are too wide to fit down the chimney. 

 

He hears a muffled “language, Santa!!” rise up from the room below him. 

 

“Very funny, Tony! You're on the naughty list now!”

 

He tries to wriggle free again. 

 

“Pfft, like I wasn't already? Get real, Cap! Err, Santa! Santa Cap!”

 

He tries to work his arms loose, but he can't move them without dropping the bag twenty-five feet down the chimney. It's a moot point anyway because his shoulders are really wedged in. He can't get any leverage with his arms, and the interior of the chimney shaft is too smooth to get a foothold to try and climb back up. He's well and truly stuck. 

 

He hears Clint call up with laughter in his voice, “everything okay up there, Santa?”

 

“Um...not really, no. I'm kind of stuck. Must have eaten too many cookies, Ho Ho Ho!” He feels his face warming up. God, why did he say that?

 

Raucous laughter drifts up through the chimney. Fuck, he's never going to live this down. He hears the front door slam open, and oh, shit, here everyone comes. 

 

Clint and Bucky make it to the roof first. Clint almost falls right back off he's laughing so hard. Bucky gets his phone out and starts snapping pictures. 

 

“Bucky, I swear to god, if you don't put that thing away, we’re not having sex for a week.”

 

“Steve! A whole week?!”

 

“Yes. So put your phone away and--”

 

“Eh, worth it. Smile, baby, I'm filming!”

 

“God damnit, Bucky!”

 

“Barnes! Barnes!!! Baaaaaaarnes!” Tony shouts from the ground below. “Send me the video already!! I'm dying down here!”

 

“Yeah, one second…”

 

“Do not under any circumstances send Tony that video!”

 

Steve hears message alerts pinging from everyone’s phones.

 

“Damn it!!”

 

“Oh, Steve,” Tony says between guffaws, “this is the best present you could ever have given me. Bless you and your ridiculously wide shoulders. Seriously.”

 

“Tony, please stop talking,” Steve replies. 

 

“Wanda, please get me on that roof. I need to see this with my own eyes.”

 

“Wanda, no!”

 

“Wanda, yes!”

 

“Sorry, Steve, but I am with Tony on this one. Anyone else want a ride?” Wanda asks. 

 

A chorus of yeses, and one burst of energy later, and the roof is full of Avengers laughing at him. 

 

Worst. Christmas. Ever. 

 

“Best. Christmas. Ever.” Natasha says. 

 

“This is quite an enjoyable Yuletide ritual, Steve. Thank you for this,” Thor says. 

 

“Damn. Your shoulders really are that wide,” Sam says. 

 

Tony squeals in delight. 

 

Bruce at least looks contrite about how much he's enjoying -- oh, nope, he's openly laughing now. 

 

Rhodes high-fives Bucky and Clint. 

 

Wanda smirks. 

 

Steve closes his eyes, sighs heavily, and starts plotting his revenge. “All right, if you guys have had your fill, can you please get me out of here? It's not exactly comfortable. My arms are starting to fall asleep. Wanda, if you please?”

 

Tony and Sam groan in disappointment, but Wanda uses her magic to gently pull Steve out of the chimney. He hands the giant red bag to Bucky and starts working the kinks out of his arms. 

 

“All right, let’s go inside and have some spiked hot chocolate.” Clint says. “It's cold as hell out. Wanda, if you would.”

 

Once they're all back on the porch, Clint’s kids come running over to Steve and give him a huge hug. “I can't wait to tell everyone at school that Captain America dressed up like Santa and got stuck in our chimney! Thanks, Steve!” Cooper exclaims. Lila gives Steve a fist-bump and jumps into her dad’s arms and asks for some hot chocolate. Nathaniel blows a raspberry in his direction, so Steve counts that as a win. 

 

“Mission accomplished, Steve!” Clint says as he winks and walks back into the house. 

 

Bucky comes over to Steve and pulls him into a hug, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.  
“I know you're kind of embarrassed and pissed right now, but seriously, that was epic.”

 

Steve rolls his eyes and says, “we’re still not having sex for a week.”

 

“Bet I can get you to change your mind.”

 

“I'll take that bet.”

 

Bucky smirks and drags Steve into the house.


End file.
